Blank Page

There is a blank page staring back at me, pleading and begging to be full. Empty. No matter what I try I simply cannot bring myself to plaster words on it. There is always plenty to write, and more than can be said, but I can never seem to say it.

“Wanna trip baby?” -Marsuvees Black (Paradise Novels, Ted Dekker)

Black is without a doubt the most malicious villain I’ve ever read of, but I see him in real life. He’s so real. So, there. More like a presence than an actual character, filling our minds with nonsense to numb us, fueling us with desires and “needs” to keep us out of his way. Drugging us useless with obsessions beyond the comprehension of alcohol or drugs. No, we’re hooked on something much, much worse and more destructive. It’s latched onto us and now we’re free falling into a miserably dark hole. There is an ever present rope following us down this hole and all we have to do is climb it. But we’re too emotionally attached to the creature plummeting with us. We’re perfectly capable of letting go, but there’s a high feeling that comes with plummeting and if we let go, there’s all that rope to climb, what fun is that? And what if the creature doesn’t come back for us? Then what? Also, we can always climb out of the hole later, it’s not like we can’t come back out. The further we go down, the less we remember about the outside of this hole, the less pleasing the rope looks, and the more slimy worms encompass the walls. At some point in the decent you realize how scared you are. And you realize you’re afraid of being scared. Releasing the creature you cling to the rope for dear life and catch your breath. A subtle updraft hits your feet as you begin to struggle up the rope. You’ve made a little progress but you begin to feel the heaviness of climbing the rope. You realize you have a sword in your belt, and a shield on your back. You begin to study the sword. You recall once being trained in sword fighting. You recall being warned of the creatures that live in these holes. You ask for strength and it comes. At last, you can see a piece of sky shining down in the hole, it’s far away but you can see it. The updraft hits your feet again, but you hear a subtle growl with it. Pulling out your sword you point it downward and continue climbing with one hand. “Never be caught off guard where you may fall” you recall hearing sometime outside of this hole. Searching your being you find a way to fasten yourself to the rope so that if you aren’t moving upward, you won’t slide downward. It makes the progress a little harder, but seems to be the right thing to do. Your sword catches the light from above and reflects it into the creature’s face just below your dangling feet. Panicking you freeze. Your sword was placed back in it’s sheath long ago and you fear that if you pull it out the creature will attack. The creature doesn’t move as you slowly pull your shield to the front. Once your shield is in place the creature rams it’s tail into your chest, throwing you up against the wall of the hole. You hear a voice from the top of the hole “Please come out” barely audible, but it reminds you that you should be climbing. How long have you been down here anyway? The creature continues to attack you and you remember you have a sword. Pulling it out you begin fighting the creature, only then you realize it isn’t trying to consume you, but tire you. It’s as if it cannot actually hurt you, but only wear you out. Sword and shield in hand you begin to ascend again, fighting off the creature while climbing. When you reach the top, the creature is stopped by the overwhelming light and retreats a ways to watch you as you run into the arms of those who love you. There it waits at the surface of the hole. Sometimes you miss the sensation of falling and draw near the hole, but then you remember fighting it off, so you stay your distance.

Our obsession is hopelessness.

It’s depressing, but not always emotionally. Heavy. Deep. Dark. And Crawling. I suggest you pray, I suggest you fight, I suggest you stand up. And now what? Once we’ve taken our stand, and fought the fight

“Now, we run for the hills and pray for the end to come quickly.” ~ Johnny Drake

1 Timothy 2:22 “Run from temptations that capture young people. Always do the right thing. Be faithful, loving, and easy to get along with. Worship with people whose hearts are pure.”

Live long and prosper, Tori Lynn.

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One thought on “Blank Page

  1. pajamaed says:

    You have done an amazing thing, you managed to get me to read an entire post. Usually I just skim, but this one I read every word. Bravo Tori. Bravo. I will be following your posts in the future. Happy blogging. ~pajamaed

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